It was the talk of the town.
He was 16, she was 15, and no one could believe it. They couldn't believe that she was his friend. That she *talked* to him. The thought itself was nauseating. Maybe he has blackmailed her or done some black magic. Who knew?
She was the darling of the town. She was nice to everyone, extremely soft-spoken and sweet. She was always generous with her sweets, was always the first to offer a helping hand - who wouldn't love her?
He, on the other hand, was more of a social outcast. No one really knew anything him and preferred to stay away from him and his problems. He always turned up in school in his crumpled and yellowing school uniform. He rarely talked to anyone and sat alone in his corner seat in class, from where he watched his dream girl - Lila - the class monitor. It was a different matter however that Lila never had a look to spare him.
Everyone likes order. This was the order of things - he was in his corner drooling over a blonde, and she was with her friends being Ms. Perfect. Then she threw everything into a tizzy. And the world crumbled.
***
It was recess. Everyone went out to play except him. He always stayed in class, probably because playing required interaction with humans, which he liked to avoid at all costs.
She stayed behind too. Some people who saw them through the class window said she went and sat next to him and started talking to him. Who knows what she said - they couldn't hear anything. She must be saying something very important. They noticed that he didn't say a word to her. Not one. He just kept looking at her emotionlessly. When asked later about the incident, she refused to say anything. This made people suspicious but they all preferred to forget the embarrassing incident.
But then next week, in recess, she did the same thing again. And the next week too. And he never opened his mouth.
Till the fourth week went by. By now, he had even begun to show emotions like frowning and raising eyebrows and suppressing a smile. And she continued to talk to him like this.
Who knows why she did it? Didn't his crumpled clothes and neatly parted hair bother her? Didn't his emotionless face make her want to run away?
On being asked why she bothered with him, she just smiled brightly. "Because I like him." It was a ridiculous lie and no one believed her. Who knows why she really did it? - Except for her, of course.
***
It started when I was 8. I remember it clearly. I was doing my homework - writing a passage on 'My Mother', when I first heard the voice - "Water!" it said.
I looked around. No one there.
Then I heard the voice again. "Water. Water. Water. Water..." it repeated. I freaked out.
I searched everywhere but couldn't find the source of the voice.
Now it was calling someone an idiot. Then it was wondering about a voice in its head.
It was rather fascinating.
At this point, you can see that even at that afe, I was a bit nutty as I am now. A normal kid would have cried. He's gone running to Mommy. An abnormal like me said, "Hello" and heard a "hello" back.
So that's how, at 8 years of age, I discovered I had a mental connection or a channel with someone who was as nutty as me because even he was totally okay with it. Actually, it all seemed very natural, as if that is how it was meant to be. He thought so too.
Let's just skip over the next few years to age 11.
In this 3-year gap, we skip over him refusing to tell me his name because I could be an evil monster. His mother had told him that monsters could harm you only if they know your real name. So he gave himself a nickname - 'Tim'. I called myself 'Jim'. We also skip over me being excited and telling him all about my life. And how he slowly also starts to open up and I discover he lives at an orphanage. That he likes chocolate a lot and hates PowerPuff Girls. It also involves skipping the millions of times I would zone out because I was thought-talking to him and thus was labelled the 'day-dreamer' in class. It involves me laughing at random times because he thought-said something funny.
If I wasn't nutty, people would have found it weird, but because I am, they thought it was cute. I have no clue why people think I'm so perfect. I'm not. They get vague ideas from stuff they've heard and they think they know you. They're all morons.
***
At age 11, we learn to control our thoughts. I can completely block out my thoughts so he can't hear them. It's a relief, but I'm also wistful, because I like listening to his thoughts. Also, I wonder if we'll talk all that much because he's such an introvert. Till now, I don't know any specifics about him - his real name or the name of the orphanage or the name of the city he lives in. I realize that people think very little about their own name or where they live. Or atleast people like me and him do. I found it unfair that I told him everything but he didn't - he DID share what was more important to me though - his feelings. Well, he couldn't have avoided it anyway, but still - he liked talking to me about his feelings rather than specifics about his life and I appreciated that. I knew the pain he felt when someone talked about his dead parents. I knew the anger and hatred he felt towards the other orphans at the orphanage. They teased him and called him names. They took his stuff. Ate his food. Hit him. He fought back and came back hurt.
Whenever he talked, my breath hitched. Why would anyone hit anyone else? It was horrifying. Something in my heart twisted when I thought of him sitting in a corner, crying.
In the middle of class, I would get sudden bursts of anger, mixed with sadness, humiliation , regret, irritation and mostly, mostly hatred towards the world. I would start crying myself. My friends would comfort me too. I t felt unfair - I had all of these people and my parents, and he just had me. But I was also proud of my position in his life. I promised myself that I'll always be there for him - his internal support.
So this is how it was for 3 years - after that, we learnt how to control our thoughts, as I've already told you.
It felt weird to not have his random thoughts ringing in my head, but nice too. We started a new ritual of talking at night before bed. We'd talk about our day. Well, I would talk about mine. At this point, he starts closing up. I'm hurt, but I can't blame him. He generally talks about what he learnt at school, not about the boys or about his feelings. Just fake, superficial things and I'm hurt.
I still don't know his name. He knows mine.
Over the next 4 years, our relationship degrades more and he shuts off almost completely. We talk only when needed. Like when I want to know the capital of Atlanta. For most of the time, I don't even remember I'm linked to someone.
Truthfully, we are not linked at all.
***
I'm 15 now and my class has been shuffled. I'm excepted because it means new friends and new teachers.
It's the first day of school and I meet up with my friends. But that doesn't matter. Let's skip to the important part.
I walk into our new class and find it completely empty. Then I notice a boy sitting alone in the corner and I pause. My friends move past me and pick seats for us and motion me over.
But I'm still staring at the boy and he's staring back at me. Have you looked at someone in the eye for a long time? Usually, it makes you uncomfortable and you look away after a while.
I don't.
Neither does he.
He's looking at me directly in the eye and I'm looking at him too. I don't know what I find to fascinating, but I really can't look away. My heart thuds in my ears. I don't *want* to look away. I'm not uncomfortable.
Neither is he, I know.
We're both nutty.
I think I know who he is.
Then he looks away and I finally notice something other than his eyes. Like his neatly parted long hair, that is fallling into his eyes. He's a little taller than me and rather lean. He's got bags under his eyes and his uniform is crumpled and yellowing.
I walk away finally.
My friends tell me to stay away from him. He's a freak. They laugh. Have you seen his clothes? Have you seen his hair? He has no friends! He's so weird.
One of them tells me he's obsessed with Lila, a girl now in our class. They were both in the same class for the past 3 years and he likes her. Everyone knws.
Also, he's a freak. He rarely talks, sucks at studies, and hates Harry Potter (as he mentioned in one historical English class - historical because he actually spoke. He said, "I hate Harry Potter.")
Point is, everyone hates him. He is, what you call, a loser.
Oh yes, his name is Teobeth. Or Teo for short.
***
I'm pretty sure Tim is Teo, but I don't know if I want to find out. Anyway, what would I say? I'll look like a complete retard if it isn't him.
And I don't think I want to be associated with him.
Yes, I do care about what other people say, okay? You know you do too. You're just not willing to admit it, so I am superior to you. Ha!
A week passes and my mind is in a tumult. I keep thinking about whether I should approach him or not. I imagine the variety of ways in which I could do it and the possible reactions and results in my mind. I replay them all the time.
I make up my mind. I will talk to him, atleast to stop this thinking.
After school, just as he's about to walk out of class, I open our link so that he can hear my instantaneous thoughts.
There is a whooshing sound in my head like the one when you open a dusty, empty tunnel after a long time and air rushes into it.
And I thought-scream, "Teo!"
And he turns.
He turns. He turns. He turns. And he sees me.
Teo is Tim. Time is Teo. I know. *You* know.
Tim turns and goes out of class quickly. I think he understood what just happened. I think he knows who I am.
I don't know whether I should be disappointed or overjoyed that I found Tim. It used to be my fantasy - to meet Tim finally and be best friends with him.
It died out years ago - my fantasy and our ritual of talking.
***
I go Googling that evening. I google 'mental connections.' I read. There are a variety of explanations for these conenctions. There is one I like: it says that they connect soulmates. Soulmates are meant to meet. If something happens so that they don't, these connections develop. Cool, isn't it?
***
The next day, I find myself following Teo with my eyes. I'm constantly watching him and his moves. He's watching Lila. He's always sitting in his corner, watching her.
***
A week later, you can say I'm seriously obsessed with him.
He's hot. I don't know what I like about his hair, but I just want to run my hand through it and make it all messy, destroy that horrible parting.
And his eyes. There is always this little gleam in his eyes as if he knows something you don't. And the bags under his eyes make me wonder what he's upto. My mind finally begins to connect Teo with Tim and I finally connect a face with all the thoughts, feelings, hopes, and aspirations I know.
It feels strange to thing I knew Teo so intimately. That it was him. The one suffering at the orphangae. All that hate was his.
And all I want to do is hug him. He deserves friends. He deserves Happiness. He's not weird. Atleast, not any more than any of us.
***
i don't know how, I find myself following him to the orphange after school. He doesn't look back so he doesn't see me. Then he stops and sits on a bus stop.
Shit. I don't have money to get on a bus.
But I wat. Just to see which bus he boards so I'll know where his orphanage is. I know, I could have asked someone at school, but no one knows anything about him. No one even knows that he's an orphan.
So I'm hiding in a bush, waiting. He's sitting on the stop and reading a book. I wait for 15 minutes, half an hour, an hour.
I'm sure all the buses of this freakin town have passed by this stop twice atleast. It's dark now. What is he doing?
Then I see him stoop down and pick up his bag.
He takes out a blanket.
He lives HERE??
***
I'm so angry and sad and annoyed at the same time. Tim is living on a bus stop? The poor guy. How did he end up there? The sweet guy! He listened to me so patiently. He doesn't deserve this shit.
I hate everyone at school who ever made fun of him. I hate him too.
For cutting me off. Well, it wasn't his fault entirely, but he should have told me, asked for help when he needed it. I was his friend. I was to open our channel and blast my anger at him.
I want to hug him when I think of him sleeping on the bus stop in his tattered blanket. All alone. With no friends to talk to. No family.
Does he have any money? How the hell does he live?
I hate myself.
I haven't bothered to thought-talk with him for more than a year!
I'm sorry Tim.
***
I come to school with my mind made up that I'll talk to him.
By watching him for the past week, I know that he doesn't go for recess.
I don't go either.
I go upto him and he watches me calmly. I'm burning up inside. I want to know what he's thinking. It's so frustrating I want to scream. Instead, I sit and I talk.
Opening the channel would be easier, but I don't want him to know I've been watching him.
So I talk. I say nothing about the past or ask him anything. I just talk. I tell him what I've been doing for the past year, since we lost touch. I talk about the teachers, my best friend, my life and other totally random things just like we used to earlier. And he just sits and listens. He doesn't say a word.
I keep talking, filling up the place with words so that there's no space between us. He just keeps looking at me in the eye.
The bell rings. I smile and say bye and go.
He looks at me for a while, then starts watching Lila when she enters the class.
***
I do this the nest week too. I talk about the whole week and my dog and my favourite fruits and random things, just like I did years ago. And he listens like he used to. He doesn't say a word. The bell rings and I go.
It's English class now. I'm frustrated. Why doesn't he say a word? Should I confess about my stalking and ask why he lives on the bus stop? Something tells me he won't reply.
Oh fuck. The English teacher just asked me something. I don't know what. I was busy thinking of you-know-who. I don't know the answer and I don't know what she asked and I'm standing like a dunce as she waits for me to answer, looking expectantly. And
then, a voice sails through the sky and hits me on the head with a *thunk*. It says, "John Keats." *Inside* my head!
I say, "John Keats."
What a relief. The teacher tells me to sit and continues droning.
And me? I'm exploding with happiness.
The channel is officially OPEN!!
He finally starts thought-talking. Monosyllables initially, whole sentences later. It's like when the channel first opene. So I know soon enough hw'll open up completely. So I talk and wait.
The recess thing is like a ritual now. I talk a lot. He just thought-comments. A week later, we start meeting in the breaks too.
My friends thing I'm going nuts and advice me to stay away. I know people are talking, but I know they're snobs.
But I know he doesn't like it, so we start going up to the terrace of the school. That's when I notice he doesn't get any lunch. So I share mine with him.
he's talking a lot more now. Like, in multiples of lines. He tells me about people he doesn't like. Agrees or disagrees with me.
Adds a line or two to what I say. COmments on what I say. We thought-talk in the middle of the class too, and my friends wonder why I'm so dreamy all the time, watch me as I expand with happiness.
I, I'm content just babbling and looking at him. I love the way he keeps looking at me continuously in the eye. It seems as if I actually think about what I' saying, but I don't. I'm on autopilot. My mouth talks as my mind absorbs his smile (did I mention he smiles now? It's a weak curve of the lips, but it makes me - oh forget it!). So I stare at him, savour his eyes, his face, his expressions and his few words and how his lips curve as he talks.
I would say I'm content, but I'm not. He still sits at the back and watches Lila. His eyes dig into her back.
I asked him about her. He swallowed and said she was pretty but he really doesn't care.
Oh, I know better than that, Teo.
***
I finally ask him about the orphangae. Its 3 months since we first met and we're so close, he's ready to open up. We could be best friends. Or even more. But he likes Lila. He hasn't admitted it, but he mutters incoherently whenever I ask him.
I asked him why he doesn't ask her out and he just raised an eyebrow at me. I'm so stupid. We know better. She and everyone else thinks he's weird and has done black magic on me. Shit heads.
So anyway, I asked him about the orphanage. He paused for a full minute. Then he told me everything.
Everyone was horrible to him at the orphanage. He was beat up constantly, his things were stolen, the food sucked, and he was tired of everything. So a couple of months after we stopped talking, when he turned 16, he moved out.
No one cared.
He just told the manager he was leaving and the guy just asked if he was going to attend school or not.
So the orphanage is still paying for the schooling, but he works after school at the shopping center to support himself. He uses the restroom at the shopping center to bathe. He washes his clothes at the local laundry.
He has got the school to give him the money the orphanage pays them for the extras (sports, transport, etc.).
That's why he doesn't go for recess.
He works. He doesn't get time to study. His belongings fit in his backpack.
Something is shattering inside me as he tells me this. I see from his face that he's happy to get this off his chest, to tell someone.
I hug him.
***
I drag him to my house after school. I'm shaking with excitement. I go to my room and open the window facing the backyard. He climbs in through it. I lock my door and draw the curtains so that my parents don't get to know. I sneak him food. Then we do our homework together.
He stays for the night.
***
It's a ritual now. He sleeps here. In my room. On my bed. With me. It's a fact. He comes everyday after work, through the window.
Can you imagine what this is doing to my head? How it's making my heart wrench?
I'm dying here. You know why?
Lila and Teo just went for lunch. It's Sunday, his day off from work. He and Lila are going on a date.
And then he'll come back and sleep on my bed, with me, a person who he doesn't even like. I want to tell him I like him. But I don't.
Ask me how I feel. Wouldn't you die too? Don't you know my heart jumps whenever our arms brush? My heart flutters whenever he looks up at me with that shy, nervous smile.
Do you think I don't freak out when I realize that the guy I'm crazy about is sleeping a foot from me?
Our relationship is nothing but platonic.
I don't like it.
I need to walk.
***
I sit on a bench and think. The sun is shining and I think.
I think about what would happen if everyone knew about him staying at me place. It would be something as horrifying as mass murder: the sweet, innocent little girl breaking rules. I have no clue where they got the idea that I'm so perfect. As I've already told you, I'm nutty. Like a ground nut.
And I'm thinking, I and Teo were meant to be soulmates. But Teo must be kissing Lila by now. Maybe it's meant to be like this.
Sometimes soulmates aren't meant to be together.
But here should always be a happy ending, right? No one should have a broken heart in the end. If they do, it isn't the end.
So I sit here and wait for the end. Teo found love, so I should too, right? Then it will be a proper end.
So I sit here and wait for true love to come galloping and save me from drowning in my own misery.
Nothing happens. I'm about to get up and go, dejected, when a football thunks me in the head.
"Fuck. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"
I look up to see the handsome face of Fahren, a well known hottie from our school. And I think I'm going to cry.
I want him to be really nice to me and ask me if I'm okay, then ask me why I'm crying and listen to me pour my heart out and be really sweet to me. I want him to make me fall in love with him.
Instead, he picks up the ball and goes back to the game.
I sit and cry. And cry. And cry.
Then, I'm all dry. The sun is setting. I just sit and don't think at all.
"Hey, is you head okay?"
It's Fahren. He has 2 ice creams in his hand and he's smiling. I'm not broken and everything in the world is perfect.
I feel so happy. I don't know why.
I bring him home to show him my CD collection. We've been talking continuously since he brought me ice cream and I'm so content - I don't know why.
As if everything is fine. As if things are the way they are supposed to be.
he's standing opposite me, complimenting my room, when I suddenly lean in and kiss him.
The world spins. He kisses me back.
Maybe this IS the way everything should be. Teo and I aren't soulmates. We're just best friends. Our relationship is platonic. We're supposed to be best friends only.
We will move on. I'll slowly fall in love with Fahren. Lila and Teo will live happily ever after.
I healed Teo, opened him up, and Fahren is healing me by making me forget Teo, forget the whole world.
The world spins away from us as we kiss.
We finally pull away and something in the window catches my eye. It's Teo.
I freak out and literally push Fahren out of the house. He's confused but he goes anyway.
I realize what an ass I am. In my desperation to be happy, I just kissed a random person I met 3 hours ago.
A vague part of me is hoping Teo is jealous or affected by seeing me kiss someone. But he doesn't seem affected at all. In fact, he seems quite happy. His date was a 'blast' and he's happy that I've found someone and when asked if they had kissed, he just nodded happily.
We go to sleep today with more than a foot between us. My head is all muddled and I can't sleep.
He's sleeping peacefully. I want to scream at him, jump on him and pull his guts out.
I want him to wake up and realize that he doesn't really like Lila and he actually wants me. I want him to tell me he loves me and kiss me. I want him to have nothing - like fantasies about Lila - to hide from me. I want the channel to be open always. I want us to really be soulmates.
I want each night to be a party. Of us holding hands, making out, and just lying in each others' arms. Of having our own sweet secret and being completely in love. Of happy, childish moments - full of teasing and fun. Of intense moments.
Of us being together inspite of the whole bloody world being against it.
I hate him for doing this. Things could be so perfect. I'll pack him his lunch everyday. I'll iron his crumpled shirt. I'll walk to school hand in hand with his and shock the town. I'll kiss him in little stolen moments in the school's terrace and during recess. I'll run my hand through his neat hair all the time and make it messy. I'll help him with his studies. I'll know him inside out. I'll know all his secrets.
Lila can't do any of that, can she?
Then why doesn't he want me?
Do I need to be blonde?
Point sis, nothing I mentioned above will happen. Sometimes endings are messed up where only one person ends up happy and the rest jut try and cope.
So I'll try and cope.
Tomorrow, I'll tell Fahren the kiss was a mistake and that we need to take things a little slower.
Tomorrow, I'll pretend to be happy for Teo.
Tomorrow, I'll try my best to fall in love with Fahren and make this ending right.
But today, let me wallow in my misery and hate Teo and send death glares towards him. Maybe someday when all this is a vague memory, I'll tell Teo what I felt towards him. How I couldn't breathe around him. How I wanted him so badly.
I'll open my channel and bare my soul and show him what I feel.
I'll do that.
Someday.
***
It was in the middle of the football field when Fahren, the football team captain asked her out, in front of a whole crowd of people.
It was obvious he expected a yes. So did everyone.
Really, they would have made a perfect pair: the sweetheart of the school (though a little tainted now by one known as Teobeth) and the star footballer of the school.
But she said no.
Everyone was shocked.
Even Teo - he exhibited astonishment for the first time.
So, in the midst of the collective gasping and a surprised Fahren, she walked off.
No one knew where she went.
Except for Teo.
Some people found Teo and her sitting in the garder behind the school. Their view was obstructed by some tree leaves. She and Teo were leaning against a tree. He, with his arms crossed and she, looking away.
The people heard him ask why she said no. She kept looking away and didn't reply.
He asked her again.
At this point, the informants couldn't understand what happened. She just tunred and looked at him. His jaw dropped. They kept looknig at each other like that for 10 minutes approximately. During this time, his jaw had almost reached the ground.
Then he regained his compusure.
She looked frightened and was shaking.
A little while later, according to what little the could see through the leaves, the informants informed that the two were kissing.
***
Oh hell.
I'm kissing him. He's kissing me.
My hands are running through his hair like they always wanted to. We pull away and just smile at each other.
His arms are around my waist and he's got this goofy broken grin on his face and the sun is shining through his hair. The bright, summer sun is glinting off his face and his lips and his eyes. And I'm spinning with happiness.
He has opened his link. Like I opened mine a lttle while ago. He knows I love him. And I know he loves me.
I know that he knows I was Jim a long time ago. I was really popular, who didn't know me? He knew I was Jim the moment he saw me years ago. And he wantd me. Like I want him.
So he forced himself to be obsessed by Lila so that he didn't do anything stupid. And he also thought he didn't deserve me. And he didn't want to get hurt.
So he was holding back too. All this while. He was just trying to stay away from me, for my sake, because he didn't think I would want him or that he would ever have a chance. He was forcing himself to like Lila just like I was trying to like Fahren. I know this is true. I know it by the warmth emanating from him. It's all for me. It's warmer than the sun bouncing off his face.
I know it by his smile. I've never seen him smile like this, not even yesterday after he came back from his date with Lila. It's so brilliant - brighter than the sun. It's so bright, it could light up the whole town.
Currently, it's lighting up my world.
He's been pretending to like Lila for 3 years! He has wanted me for 3 years!
Watch as a self-satisfied grin spreads across my face.
Now, excuse us while we kiss a little more.
It's my moment, let me enjoy it.
***
It's the talk of the school.
He's 17 and she's 16 and they're going out. No one can believe it. Maybe he blackmailed her. Or used black magic.
Who knows?
She's an outcast now. Lila and Fahren (who are dating now - such a perfect couple!) formed an anti-her-and-Teobeth club. She's also very violent and abusive and is the first to punch anyone if they sy anything about Teobeth.
The title of Ms. Perfect that she won in kindergarten seem to be of no value to her.
He's made a few friends now, but he's still a rather unknown entity, because he refuses to discuss his problems with anyone except for her. He always turns up in school with messy hair and a somewhat crumpled uniform with her hand in his.
Somedays, they have bags under their eyes as they haven't slept all night.
He rarely even talks to her. They just sit and stare at each other in a rather sickening way. They hardly say a word to each other all day. He sits in a corner from where he watches her move across class. She's the monitor now.
Everyone likes order. And this is the order of things now - them being together. They go to school together. Then they go to work together. They say they're saving up to buy a house together.
Everyone thinks they're nuts.
It's been a year since they started to go out, and, by now, he's begun to show emotions openly. This has coused them to be caught in rather compromising positions may times - in the janitor's closet, the school terrace, in class during recess ... it's highly embarrassing!
Who knows why she's going out with him? Don't his crumpled clothes bother her? Doesn't his messy hair drive her away?
When asked why she just smiled brightly, "because I love him".
And this time, no one doubts the truth of her statement.
