She

She’s dead.

You must be wondering who is dead and why. It’s my aunt, my dad’s younger sister. She’s dead.

It’s pathetic, very pathetic, to see your family suffer like this. My dad has 5 brothers and sisters. She was younger than him, her name is Farzana. All the 3 sisters names rhymed, Shahana,Farzana and Rukhsana. She was the middle one and was living in Lukhnow. She was sick. I don’t know when she found out, but I found out this summer holidays. I had only been 5 days since I had come back from France when we received a call early in the morning, around 7. Usually we don’t get calls at this time and it was a bit strange. My grandmother had called. She talked to dad and mom and when they kept the phone, they looked worried. They told me my aunt was sick and in the hospital. She had been visiting Grandma in Delhi when something happened to her. I don’t know what exactly but I came to all this only by overhearing people on the phone. No one told me anything. We left that evening, I a bit reluctantly as I was sleepy and also as I didn’t know how serious the matter was. We went to the hospital where aunt was admitted. She was in the ICU. That meant things were bad. Another of my aunts (the youngest one) came to fetch us from the hospital gate and guided us to the ICU.

I remember my youngest aunt as being the liveliest, always happy and cheerful. That day, she was grim. She looked tired and bent and worried. She had rings under her eyes as if she hadn’t slept. I still hadn’t realized how serious the matter was. I wondered what was happening. When we went up, I saw almost all my aunts and uncles around. I started getting worried then. Some of them had red eyes as if they had been crying. My grandpa looked grimmer than usual. I sat down on a seat and wondered what was up. It was visiting time, so one by one my relatives trailed in to meet aunt. My mom came out in tears. My dad asked me to go too, but I refused. I feel horrible still for refusing; I didn’t know what was up and was afraid of what I’d see. I stood by as people talked and that’s when I realized that she was in the last stage of cancer. CANCER.

Shit.

I sympathized with her, but more with my relatives. Well, she is my relative but I hadn’t seen her for 6 years and didn’t even remember her face. I was afraid of what would or could happen how it would cause grief to my parents, my grandparents and my aunts and uncles. Sometimes, you can force yourself to sympathize a lot with a person because you don’t know him. I felt guilty that I didn’t. I was afraid I’d appear unemotional and strange.

We went back to grandma’s house and stayed for the night. The next day I was informed that my aunt had asked especially to meet me. Me. I went again to the hospital that evening during the visiting hours to meet her. She was pale. Very pale. Something told me that wasn’t her natural complexion. She opened her eyes a little and said my name and said salaam. She recognized me. She asked how my trip to France was if my mom was there. I replied and then didn’t know what to say. I just stood there holding her cold, shrunken and pale hand. She had a few tubes attached to her. Her hair was open and strewn across her pillow. She looked ill and undernourished. I can still remember her face.

We stayed at grandma’s for a week or so. All my relatives were there and we shared beds and slept. It would have been joyful if aunt wasn’t sick. It had been a long time since we had been like this, together. Pain bonds. I can’t deny it. I met some of my cousins after a long time. There are 9 of us, 8 were present there. We had fun, pillow fights, food sharing, playing on the comp or the xbox, dancing around, playing hide and seek in the middle of the night that all the adults snapped at us……..It was fun. We had never been like this, together, and I’m afraid we’ll never get a chance again.

My aunt died on the 6^th of august. On the 5^th night, my dad had called and asked mom to pack his bags as aunt was sick and he was going to Lucknow. He left that night and returned on the 9^th. He didn’t seem different, except that he was a bit weary. I didn’t see him the whole day. I was sitting and doing my homework when my mom, I don’t know how it started, informed me aunt had died. I was shocked. I asked her again and again to confirm she wasn’t joking and that it was the same aunt. My aunt had left for Lucknow from Delhi in June on a stretcher. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t eat. She was on glucose and food was being transferred straight to her bloodstream. Before leaving, she signaled to me to come near and said that once she was well, she’d come to fetch me and then she’d take me to Lukhnow to show her house. She believed she was going to get well. That’s what she was told. We all made plans that we’d go to nainital together, all my dads siblings and their families. She never got well.

I am terribly upset none of this happened. My dad went around saying under his breath, my sister, my poor sister till a few days ago. But I thank her for the one week she gave me to spend with my family and for bringing them together. I know she’s in heaven.