Devil's Dictionary- A

I read a book called The Devil's Dictionary. Its one of the very-amusingly-saying-the-truth books. These are my favourites from 'A'. The rest will soon follow-

Abnormal- not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.

Aborigines- persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber;
they fertilize.

Abrupt- sudden, without ceremony. Like the arrival of the cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it.

Absurdity- a statement or a belief manifestly inconsistent with ones own belief.

Accuse- to affirm anothers guilt or unworth, most commonly as a justification of ourselves having wronged him.

Acquaintance- a person we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight gen object is poor or obscure but intimate when object is rich or famous.

Adder- a species of snake. So called for its habit of adding funeral outlays to other expenses of living.

Admiration- our polite recognition of anothers resemblance to ourselves.

Affliction- an acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

African- a nigger who votes our way.

Ambidextrous- able to pick with equal skill, a right hand or a left hand pocket.

Ambition- an overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

Apologize- to lay the foundation for a future offence.

Auctioneer- the man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

The Slaves Of The Cells

Cell phones and their owners are hard to seperate. Like me and my cell.
I was actually suprised when i realised how much i depend on it.
I make calls with it.... And sms too, of course....
I listen to songs on it.
I use it to make quick notes and write down imp stuff, when i don't have a pen, and even when i do....
I take pics with it...
I blog with it...
I google with it...
I check my mail on it...
I surf the web on it (this happens more rarely than the 3 things above, which cannot b included in 'surfing the web' according to me)
I download and read e-books on it...
I play games on it...

Its like the ultimate handy dream machine. And things are going to just get better.
Ppl are getting very dependent on their cells.
And yeah... I almost forgot to mention what inspired me to write this post...
Even my maid has a cell now. I was in my room, when i heard a strange ringtone which certainly wasn't mine and i was wondering what was up... and then i heard my maid going 'hello, haan? Chinto theek hai na?'

The Future etc.

Do u want to know your future?
I don't. And i find those people dumb who want to.
Earlier, when I was a kid, I did wish I could've known the future to prevent mistakes and probs from arising later in life.
Now, I've lost that wish. I think I was dumb to wish that.
Its pathetic. I think the future is governed by your actions now. So if you think before you act, your future will be great.
And even if we suppose that the future is already decided and our life depends on fate, I really don't want to know. It'd take all the fun out of life, to know what will happen.
And for that reason, I even hate all those rashi / number / tare / tarot future-telling shows on the news channels. They don't have any news, so all of them have hired a pundit/tarot lady each to tell ur future 5 times a day.
And people actually watch that.
And even call in.
"Meri shadi kab hogi?" Man, find some other aim in life than to get married or to call pundit ji.
"Mera promotion kab hoga?" When you start working hard rather than calling in like a vela on this show.

Idiots.

Then these ppl even give upayes to get a better future, like,
"raat ko, suraj dhalne ke baad, neem ke ped ke neeche beth kar Gita pado" (wtf???)
or "ketu ko majbut karne ke liye kutte ko shanivar ke din roti aur mithai khilaen"

You can try the above amazing remedies if you want.

Hey Shadab Bhai,
Happy B'day in advance. I suppose everything is fine with u, but u better study hard(er).
I'm in 11th now. Classes started last week. I took science, with bio. Damn, its been a long time since I even talked to u. The boards went well and the results will be out on 27 may. I didn't do a lot, actually, I didn't do anything in the holidays after the boards... I just sat around and watched movies. And yeah, I finally convinced mum n dad to get the DVD player. We got it a few days after the boards.

Everything is k, except that I'm in a class full of NERDS. They study ALL THE TIME. Before the teacher comes, and after the teacher goes, they study all the time. They're crazy. Thankfully, we'll b reshuffled in july.
Also, I'll b coming on TV. I n sam participated in this show for NDTV metronation. You basically were given a topic, camera and 2 days to make a vid. Our topic was Yamuna. Pretty horrible topic, but filming the whole thing was fun.
We even used their cam to make vela vids of us, pretending to b reporters reporting how the country was being terrorized by ppl (most prob. Taliban) who were stealing "bain-per ke jute" (shoes of the right foot)... K, I kno its dumb, but it was very funny too. I'm going to ask those ppl to give us the whole vid, even the things that were edited out (like the taliban vid) on a CD.

So, tell me whats up with u? Tell me abt ur plans for ur b'day too.
And yes, STUDY. I kno u sleep a lot and sleep late. Try studying.

E-mail me quick.

Chao
A, ur sis (duh!)

OMG. OMG.

OMG. I read in the paper that 8% of tampon users in Tamil Nadu are men. I wondered about what the hell they do with it.
Here's a list of what they apparently buy it for, which i googled-

1) To hold hemmaroid suppositories (what the hell does that mean?)

2) They can get toxic shock syndum (whatever that is)

3) Make tampon crafts (to bring menstrual joy to the holidays and fun to daily life) like-
a) string of tampon lights
b) tampon blowguns
c) tampon bandoliers to hold ammo for your gun
d) tampon toupees for receding hairlines
e) tampon cufflinks and neckties

4) Stuff it up your butt (what the hell for? I have no idea)

5) If you like to dress up or behave like women, then.......
Whateva I think its all very disgusting.

ALL PRAISE THE IDIOTS!!!

Announcing the enterprising demises of the 2007 Darwin Award Winners

" Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by accidentally removing themselves from it. "
This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner. THREE independent groups of people attempted to remove the supports from beneath a barn, a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In all cases, the structures collapsed without their aptly-named supports. Duh! This year brought us 16 jaw-droppping nominees, not counting new nominees for previous years and Near Misses (AKA Honorable Mentions) which I will cover in the next ish.
Enjoy the stories of the winners... and be glad you're not one!

RUNNER UP # FIVE:THE LAPTOP STILL WORKS (Confirmed True by Darwin)
"Driving is not a time to be practicing your multitasking skills," remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall, commenting on a 29-year-old computer tutor's decision to drive along Highway 99 in California while working on his laptop. He drifted over the center line, and was killed by oncoming traffic. CHP officers found Oscar's computer still running, plugged into the Honda Accord's cigarette lighter.
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RUNNER UP # FOUR:SUPERIOR MOMENTUM (Confirmed True by Darwin)
June 2007, Illinois Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail the longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on, as the conductor was unaware that it had hit anyone.
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RUNNER UP # THREE:BARN DEMOLITION (Unconfirmed by Darwin)
January 2007, West Virginia) Three friends set out to dismantle a dilapidated barn one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of bracing... One industrious man fired up his chainsaw and ripped through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full barn roof, those wooden support beams were all that stood between the demolition worker and structural collapse. It was all fun and games until the roof, sans support, succumbed to the pull of gravity and flattened the man with the chainsaw. As a consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at demolishing the barn.
(Darwin notes, this story is unconfirmed, but no disputes have come to my attention, as usually happens with bogus stories.)

Addendum: This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner. Two other groups of people attempted to remove the supports from beneath a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In both cases, the structure collapsed without their aptly-named supports. Duh!

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RUNNER UP # TWO:MOLE HUNT (Confirmed True by Darwin)
January 2007, East Germany One man's extraordinary effort to eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.

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RUNNER UP # ONE:WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)
June 2007, South Carolina A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise. Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof," Sgt. McCants said.

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AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)
May 2004, Texas Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well, rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.
Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!
When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.
The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.
In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.

Check out the site at: http://www.darwinawards.com/

Ok. I just a minute ago saw this recently released ad by Airtel and Nokia. It shows people from different places,situations and occupations clutching at their hearts when they hear the 'teen teen' of a call (apparently) ,as if it brings some dreadful news. In the end they show SRK who dutifully clutches his chest and declares - (not quoting) 'jab Airtel aur Nokia ka mel ho, to garv se bolo...' - and they show the dozen different people saying 'hello!'. Well I usually do not post perverted things, but I dunno why, I suddenly wondered why there weren't any women in the ad, as they were showing different people, what was this? Discrimination?
When I imagined how it'd look if they were there.... Well never mind........

Yeah!

PPP won! But I'm surprised there wasn't any poll rigging. I mean, why did Musharaff let the polls be fair and all?
Hmmm....
Whatever, it's about time that he left. I don't suppose he could have handled any of the things going on around north of Pakistan. Maybe PPP would do better getting rid of the terrorists. Ok, they may not, but they'll certainly be more inclined to do it, since their own leader was killed that way.
But why am I happy? I don't live there, do I? No, but I am hopeful, like majority of Pakistanis that the new PPP-PML(N) government would do well. And make Pakistan a proper democracy, and live up to the peoples hopes.
It"s going to be all joy and celebration for a while, a nice change, I think, from all the violent and depressing occurrences.
I've actually been thinking of a e-pal of mine (who I haven't seen online for years). I wonder how he is. He lived in Islamabad, and wanted to be...Something. I forgot. I told him I wanted to be a pilot, and he said why? To bomb Pakistan? And he said something, I don't remember, but I think it was army or politics or something, cause I said, why? To declare war against India? He also had a small sister and I convinced her once to speak to me in 'Urdu'. Most people don't realise that common Urdu and Hindi are quite same. I told her that and i actually enjoyed talking to her in Hindi. I had mailed him once, when the earthquake had struck in Pakistan and north India. I was suprised to see, that though he lived in Islamabad, very near the epicenter, he and his comp was fine, as he was sitting online a day later. I find this quite suspicious.
Anyway, I wonder what he thinks of all the things going on now. Most people don't realise it, but we're like, witnessing history. For eg. i didn't care too much about the killings in Nepal a few years ago. And now, we're reading about it in our civics book. I was actually suprised to see that.

And yeah, why did PPP win? Well, it's obvious, that the people were hoping it would do better, and they sympathise with Benazir's family etc etc... And surprisingly, Bilawal seems to have a hand in it too, as young girls who think him 'hot', and are above voting age, went and voted for his party. But I'm content that he's not leading the party as yet. It's kind of monarchic, you know, mother dies, son inherits. He'd do well to lead later, when he's finished studying, and the other leaders are old.
And yes, a piece of advice for Mr. Bilawal, DO NOT MARRY A PAKISTANI GIRL. Nah, I'm not against them, but he'd do better to marry a Indian Muslim girl. It'd be so wonderful, a Pakistani leader unites India-Pakistan again, they become better friends than they ever were. Yeah! Cheers! Ok, Mr. Bilawal, you may not want to do it, but you must find a nice, popular, young Pakistani leader who would. It's for the nations! They should marry on the Wagah border.
*sniff* how lovely.
Hmmm... I'm blabbing too much today, hai na?

Boards Shoards

Boards are coming,yeah, Boards are coming,yeah. And you know what? Surprisingly enough, I'm not tense at all, while SOME people are crying and banging their heads with tension.
I dunno why I'm not worried. Lots of people stay up till 3 am and them wake up at 7, to study again. I can't do that, ever! I hate compromising with sleep and I don't ever before an exam, as in, quickly go through the main points and every thing. I've found that it actually confuses me more than anything. I take extra care to sleep on time the night before an exam, and The Hindustan Times agrees with me. Quoting them, darlings -

"Inadequate rest impairs growth and learning and school students need seven to eight hours of sleep a day. Sacrificing sleep time studying is wasted as what is read is not retained. It's only when the brain is well rested that you can retain better."

I also remember reading an article ages ago about an experiment. Here, people were to remember simple patterns of placing cups or something. Like, the blue one comes first, red second, etc. The people who'd slept well remembered the pattern most correctly while the second group,who'd not slept, made more mistakes. It seems that the brain adjusts and arranges info acquired while we're asleep.
After reading that article, I'd made it a point to study facts or things that I found very confusing, in the night, before I went to sleep. Maybe its my imagination, but I those facts correctly now, without any confusion.
Good for me that I'm not worried. My friend's friend says that someone in her school hanged herself. She was a tenthie and an idiot. How can you suicide for marks?
I don't get it. Life's AMAZING. How can you give it up for marks? OK, it may not be amazing to her, but that means that she should try to make it better, not die!
Yeah, maybe it's about aiming. My aim is to study, while enjoying at times too. She probably aimed for more than she could manage, thus overloading.
No one can stand failure, thus the stupid act to ignore your 'failure'. Its all in the mind.
Why take tension? I think its very idiotic. Though it can fuel your will to work harder, too much is er.... not good.

Places to go

Here are some visit-able places that you've probably never even heard of. Well,delhi is full of monuments,and you can't expect each of them to get the same attention can you?

ASOLA WILDLIFE SANCTUARY
Its close to tughlaq fort.
Its almost within city limits. If you want to go in,you should pay for a guide,its worth it. You'll find black bucks here(yeah,the same "protected" species that salman shot), nilgai, jackals, and deer.

AGRASEN KI BAOLI
It lies off hailey road,near connaught place.
Its a thousand-year old stepwell. It has 3 floors and is said to be haunted.

PATAUDI PALACE
Pataudi in Haryana
Nice place,green and everything, good place to spend a few hours relaxing. Built by Nawab Ibrahim Ali Khan,its home to the cricketer, Tiger Pataudi. Its 60 km from delhi.

Yes,all this info has been nicked off magazines.
A comment by my friend when i told her about all this- "Kya baat karti hai? A sanctuary in delhi? How come they spared it? I predict- apartments and malls to be seen there soon..."
Very likely to come true.