Drown- part iii

I woke next morning to the sound of banging. Startled, i looked around.
He was gone.
I realised that the ship had stopped moving because the to-and-fro motion that i'd gotten used to in the past 24 hrs had stopped.
Someone pounded on the door again.
God help me. We'd been discovered. No. He'd lose his job. His chance. All cause of me. He'd be in trouble. No, i won't let it happen. I won't blame him.
I clutched my blanket to my chest and pushed myself into a corner as i waited for the person to enter. I blinked against the dazzling light as the door swung open and banged into the wall next to it, making me.
A figure of a man stepped in. Then he jumped back, suprised. "who are you? What are you doing here?"
"I..." i gulped. "i am trying to get to Puerto." He looked bewildered. I continued, "Please, i want a new beginning... in a new land... I want to start over again. Please let me travel with you... I just wanted to go somewhere far from here..."
i stopped when the man started laughing. "This ship aint going nowhere, miss. This is the Sheldon ferry." My jaw fell slack. "We just ship stuff across the banks. We aren't going to any 'far off lands'. Sorry." he tried to hide his grin.
My mind when numb. I didn't want to think.
I clutched the blanket tighter around me and stepped into the brilliant light outside. I was right. We were back at the port- the same place where i started.
I felt nauseated.
I wanted to throw up.
I walked on.
Something told me that i wouldn't see him again, but i tried not to think about it as i stumbled off the ship.
I walked slowly, with measured steps, as the tears fell in a continuous stream across my cheeks.
I tasted their saltiness when i licked my lips.

I thought i had nothing to lose.
I guess i was wrong.

This time i jumped into the sparkling water without hesitation.


THE END


YAY! My 107th post! And boo to anyone who actually thought i'd write cheesy horrible cliched love stories, which honestly make me want to puke. Life isn't perfect. Prince charming won't pop out from behind the boxes at your time of need to rescue you. Deal with it. P.S. Don't get raped either.

Drown- part i

The wind was cool. It brushed part me and made my limp hair come to life and dance with it. I pushed it off my face and blinked rapidly to clear the tears blurring my vision.
I took a few deep breaths to try and calm myself.

Calm myself.

What a joke. Being calm, standing here, 20 feet above the water. I gripped the railing and stared at the dark black water below me.
Why am i gripping the railing?
I laughed through my tears. I should be letting go, not holding on.
I laughed again,a choked maniacal laugh. I'm talking as if i have a lot to hold onto.
My loose cotton dress whipped around my legs, and i shuffled my feet, as to stand a bit more comfortably on the edge of the outer side of this bridge.
I came here to drown. Not myself. I just wanted to drown the pain stabbing me from the inside. If i had to drown myself too to kill it, then so be it.

But why are you still standing? Jump!
You had made up your mind, hadn't you? Jump now!
I taunted myself as i gave another choked sob.

Jump.

Jump.

Jump.

"Don't jump." i heard someone behind me. It was a man. He had a calm, raspy voice. I liked it.

"why?" i whispered. "why shouldn't i?"
"why should you?"
i laughed hysterically. Suicidal tendencies sure screw up your sense of humour.
"he left me." i took a deep breath, "i left everything for him. My parents. My home. My country. I came here after him." i stared at the liberating water through blurry eyes. "And still he left me. I don't have anything. No money, no job, no home... Nothing. Why should i live?"

He went silent. Did he agree? Don't tell me you agree... Please...

"i also once had nothing." he suddenly spoke. "i was ready to give up too. But then, someone gave me a chance, a man i didnt even know. He gave me a job on his ship. I learnt, i worked, i travelled. I saw and experienced new things. Slowly, i grew back." he paused. "you need to give yourself a chance too."
i blinked back my tears. A chance? I tightened my grip on the railing.
"My ship is leaving for Puerto tomorrow morning, a place far from here. If you are willing to take the chance, i can sneak you onto my ship. You can start over again, in a new country, with a new name. A new beginning."
i turned around carefully, placing my feet carefully on the ledge.
I turned to a young man, about my age, with brown hair and a round face. And grey pools for eyes, slightly similar to the dark water i could fall into if i let go now. But his grey eyes were warm, his eyebrows furrowed with concern. The water was cold and still, with no marks on its perfect surface.

I climbed over to railing to him.

V-day, come and gone

Another v-day come and gone, and I’m still stuck in this rut.
I don’ have a bf, thinking of turning lesbo
Since I can’t rhyme, I better shut
Up-o.

Oh, don’t look at me like that. I CAN rhyme, but not when miserable, and when the world is intent on torturing me with events such as practicals and valentine’s days. Seriously, till last year, I didn’t give a damn, but this year, it really hits you. You wonder if you’re pathetic cause you don’t have a bf or great because you don’t have a bf for a person you don’t even like.
Blah.
Whatever.
I can hardly like a guy for more than…what? 2 days?
Me no say a word. V-day is meant for people in love.
And I don’t believe in love.
Yeah, yeah, don’t go singing the Dido number. I’m serious.
I don’t believe in love. I would put up my long explanation as to what love is supposed to be, but I’m lazy, so I’ll do it some other time. I don’t believe love exists, just… acceptance and obsession.
If you like a person and accept their flaws, inspite of their imperfectness, its acceptance.
If you like a person and don’t see their flaws, its obsession.
I suffer from obsessions every now and then, and patiently wait for them to wear off. They mostly end in a day or two. At that point, the person seems amazing, capable of anything, a glorious god. When it wears off, I usually find myself cringing at the guy I almost worshipped.
I’m blind then. Just like Romeo and Juliet and other crappy story characters are. When ppl meet and “fall in love” at first site, and say, “there was something about his/her face”, its because you fell for their looks, darling. You were obsessed. You can’t see how pathetic the person may be, just act pig-headed and do stupid stuff (like kill yourself, in Juliet’s case).
It wears off. And that’s what causes “love” marriages to break down, often giving the arranged-married-is-best ppl to be gleeful.
Acceptance is far better. You’re not obsessed, but you can live with the person, without any unpleasant surprises, and know them completely.
Yeah, you could call acceptance “love”, but then…you accept some people, but you don’t exactly want to live with them, or just be with them forever.
So, maybe you could call love a combo of acceptance and liking…but then you apparently “love” your parents too, even though you may not completely accept their flaws or like everything about them.
Yikes. I wrote a sermon, even without intending to. I’ll finish up the argument some other day.

Shutuptimenow.